Stop blaming the past for your present. You can change today.

I'm poor because my family had no money to pay for a good school and college.

I'm hopeless because my parents and friends didn't support me when I was a kid.

My health is at risk because I was taught to eat for the taste, not for the benefits.

The majority of us already understood that traumas come from our childhood, based on impactful events caused mostly by our parents, but followed by any other person who we interacted with.

I sit long time with those regrets for myself that I've been living my life the way others shaped it, and if I had all those 27 years back and taught to live them my way, I'd be way ahead compared to where I am now.

You see, that thought is nothing but a subtle branch of my ego, entitled victimization, which focuses on the relationship between cause and effect. How many times did you say to your friends:

I have a bad relationship with my parents because they punished me for my grades
I didn't get a raise this year because my manager doesn't like me
I got dumped because she didn't like me anymore
My child doesn't talk to me because he doesn't care

In today's society, we are weaker and weaker emotionally. We are rather exploited than helped.

How does it feel when you blame someone else for your failures, fears or ego? Of course it feels good, because you have nothing on your side to change or start working on. You may even use fate as an excuse, as many say: "that's my fate, I can do nothing about it".

Actually.. if you're a religious person, you'd fall into a superior category of human-being knowing what your fate is, which tells a little about your ego. Your fate has nothing to do with your choices, but it's easier to assume nothing.

The problem arose shortly after that blame, because your emotions switch from angriness to unfulfilled and unhappy. Did you ever ask why is that? Well, you're still not in control of your life, but those who you blamed are.

Sounds paradoxal and ironic, I know, let me explain. Every time you say is someone else's fault, you basically grant that person privileges to control your mood, thoughts, feelings and ultimately, your life.

The cause doesn't matter. It's about what you are doing to prevent the bad from happening.

I have a recent example that might resonate with a lot of parents with grown childs. My mother called me and the first thing she said something like "you didn't give any sign in the last week". This could be translated into "it's your fault because you didn't call".

The adlerian psychology focuses on the scope rather on the cause, which in my mom's case, that would be something like "my scope was to call you because I miss you, and I didn't know what reason to bring to call you, and it was blaming you for not calling".

Scenario is the same, but with very different outcomes, right? Now, I could interpret this positively especially because I have a very good relationship with my parents, and I know they both want only the good for me.

Try to hear people's intentions, not words, as a word can be understood in 10 different ways by 10 people.

But.. what if you don't know that the other person wants the good for me?

You choose one of the 2 available options:

Seek ways to establish a better connection with the people around you
Create distance between

I encourage you for the first option, for multiple reasons. One would be that paying attention and genuinely understanding people making you tough times empowers you to collaborate better in life. Another would be that you become more present, facing the tough situations and addressing "hard talks".

As a note, I am not saying to keep around you negative people that can only complain, gossip, judge and blame. For those you can apply the second option, in a neutral manner. Don't be angry on those persons trying to put you down, as Karma will take care of all for them at the right moment.

The negative energy casted for revenge is a missed chance to spread positive energy amongst us.

Alfred Adler says that we should treat any individual as a friend by default, and start increase distance if necessary over time. It's a simple yet powerful perspective, because if we see a potential danger in every people we meet, our brain will unconsciously seek reasons to validate that vision, it's an embedded reflex.

Your ego dictates the feeling of fulfillment

I often hear men and women saying they are not happy or fulfilled even though they have at least a decent life in terms of health and money. So.. there is no such a correlation regarding the feeling of fulfillment and money.

The hell will never end unless you choose to burn it yourself.

The today's image is a representation of a transformative concept, as fire is known for its effect of transcending something to another thing. Right now, if you look up and stare into the absolute, you may see a child who wasn't heard enough.

That child's voice represents your inner self, your true passions and dreams and ways of approaching life which were overtaken by the voice of society full of comparison, competition and victimization.

You need to burn as much habits, reactions, thoughts, perspectives and words to make room for good ones that will align with your values.

The more you let your ego react, the harder it becomes to stop it. There are 3 main triggers to avoid:

Compete with nobody, but you
Compare with nobody, but you
Don't become a victim, it's always your choice

A person who contributes something to the world, is a fulfilled person.

Based on some real-life examples, mostly personal, let's see how we can change our way of living.

Step 1: accept yourself

These scenarios are oriented to the reason of why we are not able to satisfy our needs.

I would love to move with you to France, but I cannot leave my parents.
We can't be friends anymore! How could you get into a relationship with my ex?
My manager is corrupt, he would never have enough money, he's so selfish. I hate him!

Step 2: analyze your scope

Now, we are going to translate each case through the lenses of the scope. Every reaction to a situation has strong beliefs for why we chose that reaction. This will hurt.

I am too afraid to move that far from my parents. I'm not mature and responsible enough for such a change. I prefer my comfort more than you.
Judging through my ego, you are better than me because she is now with you, and I cannot go past it. I feel inferior and worthless and I prefer to not see you anymore.
Ahh, comparing myself with my manager, I feel terrible, poor, with no confidence and an idiot! Look how much courage he has to take all those risks. I'd love to have that much money, I envy him!

Step 3: plan your near future

You were honest with you, as you understood that in every case you let your ego acted, and those people actually have nothing to do with it. As I said, this is a brutal and harsh truth to face, but it gives you leverage to take control over your life.

Now, we step out of the victim' skin, and make a plan to shoot big.

It's a great chance to step into the unknown, and I won't even be alone, I'll be with you. I accept my my fears, but this will turn me into a great man.
Look, this hurts at the moment, but I want both of you to be happy. I don't know how right now, but I'll work through it and see what is blocking me to avoid losing one of my best friends.
I appreciate my manager's power of will. Although he's using it in a way I wouldn't (corruption), I am going to take him as a mentor to guide me to reach more confidence and courage, and pursue my own dreams afterwards.

Traumas are not meant to be your excuses. Be honest with you to live the life you dreamed of.

Letter's knowledge

People are your friends by default. This way, your brain will seek facts to validate that.

Ego is the only one to turn your life into a hard, tough and miserable one. Remember the three triggers for it: competition, comparison and victimization.

The reality is that the people you hate and gossip about are the people you deeply respect, because they have something you don't have, even a character trait, and your ego doesn't like it.

If you stop hiding behind your traumas shield, you will become more and more authentic, which is going to lead you towards the life you enjoy living.

Everyone can change at any age, it's just about a matter of courage to live the world differently.

PS: I plan to take my writing journey to the next level, so I might release fewer letters in the next period.

Until the next letter, I wish you success in everything you're up to!