Do You Spread Toxicity?

Although we often hear about toxic behaviors, the meaning is yet vague.

We were exposed to them since childhood, when were taught to avoid strangers or other kids not acting normally. Those lessons were meant to protect us in our defenselessness period, but nobody told us about the thin line turning us into toxic people.

Normality is relative and dependent on the person you talk to. Talk to others, and you'll see a hundred types of normality.

We love the feeling of belonging. This is one reason we look for people with similar normality, to share thoughts, stories and experiences which they could relate to.

When I was a kid, I loved football and roller skating. Obviously, I was looking to be friends with kids sharing the same interests. So, my normality was to either skating or playing football.

So far so good, but.. when I started growing, that filtration I was doing, slowly turned into labelling people and even to make them feel excluded from my group.

I mentioned about a thin line, which has 2 facets:

Healthy: Simply filter out persons who should leave or remain around us
Toxic: Label and gossip others, damaging their image in our favour

Sounds familiar? Looking back, I did such things in high-school, college and early career. I assume it, as that was the best I knew to protect myself.

However, as I learned through my journey, I can do 4 things regarding my past actions:

Assume - in a humble and authentic way
Dissect - to understand what feeling was I lacking that lead me to act that way
Separate - my past actions don't define my present self
Correct - going forward, I am aware to avoid that action

I'll try to raise your awareness by touching some of my experiences:

In high-school - my group made fun of those who didn't smoke, were either fat or skinny and were teacher pleasers
In college - my group disfavored colleagues who've been present just a couple of times, but wanted to pass the exams
In my early career - my group labelled some persons in the marketing team because they asked stupid and repetitive questions

I know, it was a shame. I mentioned in the previous letter that unhealed persons will spread at least the same amount of pain they've received. That was me.

You can guess how much energy I was spending on bad behaviours instead on good ones. It blows off my mind to think I was spending real effort to find ways to put others down, compared to what I do now - invest it in becoming a better person and help others grow.

You have to be authentic and objective, as is hard to accept that we are doing toxic actions. Not being honest just prolongs the process of becoming the person you want.

Being honest and accepting your present self is the shortest way to unstuck your life.

Individuals struggling with insecurity and low self-esteem usually resort to toxic behaviors as a way to cope with their feelings of inadequacy.

Past trauma and unresolved emotional wounds lead to fear of expressing our true self. Not being ourselves often unconsciously project our pain onto others.

Emotionally or mentally wounded persons will hurt others and themselves.

Not that I did hurt others, but myself wasn't an exception:

Was excessive kind
Couldn't say no to others
Was people pleaser
Put others beyond myself
Was judging me when I failed

Not being in our control of feelings and emotions, could easily lead us to toxic behaviors such as passive-aggressiveness, manipulation or gossiping, as a means of enduring intense emotions like anger, fear, or sadness.

You are never angry or sad because of someone. Your inside needs are the cause, but it's easier to point towards the exterior.

Think about this scenario: the manager asks you to do something you don't agree with. The first instinct? Curse him! Tell others how mean he was to you.

The truth is his ask, not him as a person, was just a trigger of one of your wounds such as:

You lack courage and authenticity to kindly express your opinion and propose an alternative
Maybe he had a similar tone with a person you hate, so, you associated him with that person
Your envy got triggered because you want be a manager as well
Could reminded you that you're at a job you don't like, but you are afraid to change
You may want to have control, but not from a leading position

Worth saying it again: You may want to have control, but not from a leading position.

Hurt people want to control others, but someone else to be the leader, to be free of responsibility.

Do you have that small group where you can freely discuss anything at your workplace? Perhaps you also talk a bit about how terrible some colleagues are.

This becomes problematic when the group starts associating another's actions with himself. His reputation in your eyes decreases, and no matter how well he does, you'll watch him through the layer assigned.

If a person's desk is messy, it doesn't mean that he is a messy person.

To cut off the toxicity and keep your energy level high when in a position of indirect disagreement with someone, simply go talk to him to find a common ground. By the way, it's perfectly fine not to agree on everything with everyone.

These are the steps I took to free myself from these toxic behaviours:

Self-reflection - honestly looked at my own behaviors and acknowledged toxic patterns
Emotional regulation - practiced deep breathing or mindfulness, to identify and prevent impulsive or harmful reactions
Empathy and Compassion - gave myself time to understand and accept the perspectives and feelings of others
Setup boundaries - establish clear boundaries and communicate them to others

All these changes take a lot of time and effort. The easy part is learning, but the hard one is to consistently apply them.

Powerful and confident people respond, not react.

Letter's quest

Set a trigger for those moments you're just about to say or write something 'funny' about a colleague or friend.

Remind yourself that you'll do nothing but:

Create a bad image of that person
Create a bad image of yourself
People will avoid you because of the fear of being gossiped as well
Would invest energy in a bad behaviour
Feed the ego, increasing the distance from authenticity

Take a deep breath and observe whether the intention is purely friendly. Otherwise, let it go away, and celebrate the moment as you stayed by your values.

Until the next letter, I wish you success in everything you're up to!