Solitude Is Not A Red Flag

Contrary to popular belief, solitude is not synonymous with loneliness.

It's not about being alone in the traditional sense.

It's about being alone with yourself - which takes some courage.

It's a chance to press pause on the demands of everyday life and reconnect with yours needs in the most profound way possible.

Why did I completely fear solitude?

Since the age of 27, to be alone was the most frightening thing for me.

Looking back, it was clear that I was constantly running away from myself.

There were some hard and uncomfortable truths that I avoided thinking about.

I didn't even want to see the real feelings, emotions or thoughts and preferred to lie myself that that's ok.

But they were bubbling up every time when I was alone.

There were a few reasons for my hesitation:

• Lack of self-confidence and self-awareness;
• Not knowing what I enjoy doing;
• Not knowing I'll do in the near future.

I preferred to do anything else possible, except staying with me to simply watch my fears and insecurities.

The signal

My 27th anniversary had caught me in a kind of depression, following of a decision of temporarily moving back to my childhood home.

I was totally out of the present moment.

My mind was flitting from past, to future, to past, and so forth.

But nothing about the present moment, about what I could really do, not think.

At that time, I had already had read a few books about self-understanding, emotional intelligence and psychology.

Reading a domain-specific book with advanced information, without prior knowledge, was leading me to more frustration as I was not able to comprehend the essentials.

Getting more and more chaotic in my decisions and thoughts, I was encouraged by a friend - which I'm very grateful to.

That moment finally gave me enough courage to ask for help and start my self-discovery journey.

How I benefited from solitude

Exactly one year later, I was moving to one of my best friends' apartment as he was moving out.

The picture seemed great: okay.. there will be me, with.. me.

The previously year was just enough to build a foundation of a new perception of myself, to stop judging others, and start seeing the good side of the coin when something hard or negative happens.

I even cut off a lot of the time spent with my friends and family, to be focused on what happens with myself.

After a few months, I understood 2 big things:

• What real autonomy is;
• The importance of remaining observant of my thoughts and feelings.

Objectively self-observation has given the power to grow as I wanted.

Disclaimer: Don't even think it was an easy or quick change.

It was a very tough and painful process - to accept myself in that current state, whether or not I liked it.

The reason we are used to run away from the uncomfortable truths is because we are seeing ourselves in a way, but our actions says the contrary.

Emotional pain stops from the moment we truly accept ourselves.

A couple of examples when the observant mode had served me:

I was unhappy about the new management in the company I was working at.

Instead of blaming others, I asked myself what can I do to improve the way I feel at my job.

After several discussions, nothing happened, so I was left with two options:

Hope for the better or build it myself.

For the first time, I was the one who deliberately chose to change jobs.

All the possible fears have gone through my head:

• I'm not good enough to change it;
• It's too hard to find something else;
• What if the new team doesn't like me and they fire me?
• Is the probation (3 months) long enough to prove what I'm capable of?
• What if I don't like the culture and I need to change the company again?
• What would my CV look like with 2-3 jobs in just a few months?

But you see.. I didn't even do the first step to look for another job, and the fears of unknown were already out.

Fears keep us in the confort zone, and also keep us from growing.

If changing my job was not enough, I was also dealing with a long-distance period within my relationship.

Again, instead of saying "why me?", or waiting for my partner to come with a solution, I decided to find one solution for both problems:

Find a remote job and move in with my girlfriend.

Said and done. I vividly remember that feeling of being able to accomplish my plan.

What has helped me

Writing this, it may again sound simple, but the reality is that it takes a lot of courage, especially doing it the first time.

I've had a few habits that helped me to observe and understand myself:

• Daily walks - alone;
• Practised meditation;
• Wrote down my thoughts and fears so I could see them;
• Created actionable plans to overcome my fears;

You see, I don't see solitude as a way of living, but a state to self-observe, without being distracted by anything else.

In order to grow, seek what really bothers you about yourself, not about others.

When you feel lost, or doubt yourself, take some time - could be 5 minutes, and try to see what's wrong.

While in observation, if you start thinking about others, or how they should change, pause a bit.

Take a deep breath to get relaxed, and focus again on what YOU can do about you.

Until the next letter, I wish you success in everything you're up to!